Grief.….is something I’ve been trying to grabble, to understand and to identify. In fact, it is something that I’m becoming more familiar with, since 3 years ago, as I work through the disappointments in life, and when I see friends and family members suffering and some even dying from sickness. However, I do know that God is using these experiences to expand my perspectives and my heart capacity to contain more of His compassion and love, so that I will not only identify with those that are suffering, but also with His heart ultimately.
I’ve hesitated for quite some time to write about this mainly because I don’t have the answers to all the “whys” of sufferings. I was trying to figure that out too! But at the end of it who am I to question my God? His wisdom is far beyond my comprehension. Through it all, there’s one thing that I’m certain, that is God loves, absolutely!
Til last night…..I randomly came across a testimony video on Youtube. A beautiful boy, born to a couple who both work in Hong Kong’s entertainment industry, was diagnosed of Leukaemia at the age of 3 and passed away just before he turned 6. Though the battle was tough, it seemed that God’s presence was becoming more and more evident to the boy. He would often “announce” to his parents, “Jesus is with me”, and after he was water baptised (a month before he passed away), he joyfully declared, “I believe in my Heavenly Father and His Son because He loves me”.
I know this sounds like a very touching testimony, but for some strange reasons, I’ve actually been grieving for the past 24 hours. It shouldn’t have affected me so much as I don’t really know the family. It’s just a testimony on the internet. But I really felt the anguish as if that was my own son. I didn’t understand why I was so emotional then, but now I do. It is like God purposely put me through it so that I can finally write about it, release it and hopefully bring it to a closure.
*I’m going to write it in first person so you know that’s just my personal thoughts
Sorrowful but not bitter: It is inevitable and only natural to mourn and feel sad when my loved one passed away. The pain is so deep and unbearable, sometimes even paralysing. It’s not a matter of the will as in I could just ask myself to stop feeling sorrowful. Healing and recovery take time to come. But I’m aware how easy it is for me to slip into bitterness while grieving. Bitterness can come from my unforgiveness towards people, myself or even God. It could’ve been different if I did that, said that, was there. God should’ve healed him. Didn’t I pray and fast? Honestly I didn’t feel Your love at all. But no, deep in my heart I know it very well that God loves him and has the best plan for him. My hope in Christ means that we’ll meet again. It was with His loving hands that he was taken Home. God will be my strength in grief, but I will not become bitter.
Letting go: Oh I miss him so much. I wish things could be different. In grieving, it’s important that I learn to let go, let go of him to his Heavenly Dad. After all, I am only His steward. I don’t own anything or anyone. The Lord gives and the Lord takes. Letting go doesn’t mean giving up. It means entrusting him back to his own Master. I need to let go on my end so that God can receive from His end.
A new perspective on death: “Death can be beautiful. Funeral became a wedding where the child is finally with Jesus”, said the mother of the boy. We will all die one day, and His grace and hope of salvation means death is not the end, but only the beginning of something more beautiful.